As someone who has been on her healing journey for the last seven years, I thought I knew all there was to know about doing this work. The childhood wounds that spill over into adult relationships, the learning and unlearning, the anger and grief that show up unannounced and uninvited, but the one thing I hadn’t anticipated–hadn’t prepared for–was having to heal from the same thing more than once. I thought that once I had healed from a situation that that was it and I could move on to the next stage in my healing journey but unfortunately it doesn’t always work like that. What I’ve learned in these past few weeks of life life’n is that healing is not linear, it doesn’t happen in a progressive way, going from point A to point B, instead it’s more like a game of Uno, and right when you thought you’d healed from something you’re hit with a draw two, draw four, skip, reverse, and wild card all at once. The emotional rollercoaster that follows is not for the weak, but being committed to healing requires you be committed to the entire process and the reality is: most of it ain’t pretty. Originally this essay was going to be about the importance of setting your healing down. I wanted to remind people that we aren’t meant to be healing 24/7, that just like with everything else, there’s a time and a place for it. I think a lot of people who are on their healing journey, especially once they get to that sweet spot of seeing their work pay off internally, start to become addicted to self-improvement. The problem with that is being addicted to anything, even something positive, can become unhealthy if we aren’t careful. Life is meant to be lived in a balanced way, so my intention for this piece was to encourage people to set their healing down and spend some time just living. Shortly after starting the essay, however, I found myself blocked; the thoughts refused to gather, the words refused to come. It was frustrating because this was a topic that I felt passionate about and really wanted to put into words, but then I thought about Toni Morrison’s philosophy on writer’s block, which I have adopted as well, and decided to respect the block, shut off my laptop, and let myself forget about the essay for a while. When done intentionally, living is healing. A few days later, my partner and I took a trip to the East coast to spend some time with his family. I spent five days in a Jamaican household with him, his mother, sister, and brother-in-law who wouldn’t let me lift a finger to do anything other than bathe and dress myself. That in itself was an experience for me, I’m still not used to the care that typically comes with Caribbean culture–but I savored it, nonetheless. Because I didn’t have to worry about–well, anything– I was able to be fully present those five days and enjoy life as it unfolded. I ate good, laughed a lot, and allowed myself to relax in a way I hadn’t in a long time. It rained quite a bit while we were there, and like the true pluviophile I am I sat outside on a bench soaking it all in; I didn’t care about getting wet, cold, or even sick for that matter. I stared at the trees with their different hues of green as the leaves rustled in the wind, watched the dark clouds as lightning struck the sky, and listened as the thunder made its presence known. It was while I was sitting outside in this meditative state that I realized the flaw in my essay’s message. I wanted people to spend just as much time living as they did healing, but after slowing down for those five days and spending that time out in nature I understood that healing and living are not separate from each other. When done intentionally, living is healing. So, it isn’t the healing that we need to set down, it’s the “standard” healing tools–the books, retreats, workshops, and YouTube videos–that we need to put down more often. Living is a tool for healing that we don’t focus on enough but it’s the one that would benefit us the most. And so, I set out to rewrite my essay, this time focusing on the benefit and necessity of living as a means of healing and although I got a little further this time around than I did with my first attempt I eventually hit another block. Annoyed but not surprised, I once again shut off my laptop and left the essay alone. The day after returning home from our trip, my partner and I had an intense conversation expressing the frustrations we had with one another. During his turn to talk, my boyfriend highlighted some of the behaviors I’d been displaying that he wasn’t a fan of and as I sat there listening, I thought to myself, wait a minute these behaviors sound familiar. After we both finished, we decided to continue the conversation in a day or two to give each other time to both cool off and to think about what each other had said. I didn’t need a day or two, though, because as soon as the words left his lips, I knew I’d fucked up somewhere. I was displaying behaviors that I could’ve sworn I had healed from, and I didn’t even realize it until baby held that mirror up, forcing me to see. It was after that conversation, and after the realization that I was repeating unhealthy behaviors, that I began to understand just how complex healing really is. Just like it takes us doing something more than once to learn sometimes it takes us more than once to unlearn as well. I shared this experience with my therapist a few days ago and expressed to her that I felt like the healing I’d done in the past was a waste because here I was, still needing to heal from the same thing. She reassured me, just like I stated at the beginning of this essay, that healing is not linear and that no healing we do is ever a waste or in vain. Just like it takes us doing something more than once to learn sometimes it takes us more than once to unlearn as well. So, for anyone going through something similar, I just want to remind you to give yourself grace throughout this journey. Healing is tough, but so are you. **I think the reason why I kept finding myself blocked while trying to write this essay is because there were more sides of healing that wanted to be included than the one topic I had originally picked. The truth is it’s important to set our healing (tools) down, it’s also important to live as a way of healing, and it’s imperative to know that healing a particular wound sometimes has to be done more than once and that’s okay.